Wrestling with God

Last night I wrestled with God…in my subconscious. I’ve been praying for peace and clarity like crazy! Please understand it’s not because opportunities are not opening up, it’s because so many are opening up. Opportunities that don’t exactly have to do with acting…and that’s why I think it’s confusing. One opportunity is that I have a chance to take some classes at our local bible college in exchange for doing some video work for the college. My husband is very supportive because he feels that it will provide good exposure and a good educational opportunity. It’s interesting that this opportunity came up just when I was thinking about pursuing more education. I would like to get my MFA but there aren’t any acting MFA programs near by. And the one’s that are here are geared towards theater. I love theater and my undergrad degree is in theater but I want expand and study for film for a graduate degree.

I prayed fervently for peace and clarity last night. I’m not in a position where I can leave the state to study right now so I have to look at what is here that I can do. I was feeling angry and frustrated that I can’t pick up and fly on the wings of the wind to USC or UCLA or NYU to study. But I know better than to give into that feeling which only produces anxiety. Been there. Done that. Last night I wrestled with God in my heart. I wanted to know that He was in this opportunity to only take a few classes that wouldn’t even go towards a graduate degree. I’m all for learning for the sake of learning but I’m not getting any younger here! Last night as I rolled over ideas and creative musings I came to grips with what Dr. Ware, the president of Crossroads Bible College was telling me. That by taking classes like Biblical World view and New Media for Urban Ministries and other such classes I would be able to better process the world as a christian artist and use that skill to translate messages better through film and writing. I realized that’s what’s been bugging me lately. How to process events, issues, stories around me and translate them into another medium. As I get older the topics I want to write about are more complex. And the complexity increases as I mix being a Christian into the bowl-of-my-brain. That sounded gross. Let me try again. The mix of being a Christian artist in an ever increasingly anti-God world. I want to be better equipped to share the gospel and let people know that God loves them.

I hope that was better than the brain bowl analogy.

Have a blessed one.

By the way…God won the wrestling match.


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